Spectrum of Thoughts
by Fiia
Summary: Ever felt like you don't belong here? I feel it everyday."" Death wish. Remus Lupin


Spectrum of Thoughts

The fogg was light and the sun was slowly, slowly rising in all it´s glory. In the unnaturally green grass there was morning dew forming and the ground beneath it was wet so my footsteps sinked a bit by every step. I let one of my hands linger on the birch on my right side as I stepped closer to the precipice.

I knew every step, every rock and every tree in these woods. And I knew for sure, that in a few steps there _would_ be a precipice. And after that, there would be water, and salt, and rocks – a lots of rocks, _in_ the water. They would probably crush you if you fell down, or jumped.

I stepped closer, not afraid, nor intrepid, not free from doubt and especially not certain. I gased down, the water rolling in waves agains the cliffs and with white foam whirling when the cliffs caused it to change form.

I remembered for one strange moment the song _Time to say goodbye_ and started to humm at it.

"Time to say goodbye..."

That was about all I knew but it didn´t matter to me, I kept repeating the words over and over again in the same melody, still glancing down towards the sea, my eyes peering and trying to get used to the mist, and in a strange way I was comforted by it, the idea of the big sea.

The idea would probably scare others, and in a way, it scared me too, it was big and frightned in that way, but in other ways it was the most beautiful thing a lot of people claimed to have seen, like in those romantic novels: "She caughed her breath, one look and the world seemed to have stopped...".

Sure, they where entertaining when your own life was messed up, when you just _needed_ the read it, knowing someone else had it that way, making sure you would have it too. But that wasn´t true, that wasn´t reality. For some, maybe, for all, no.

For me, no.

The reason I was up here, still glancing down into the deep, into the black water beneath me. There would not be anyone who would stop me right now, there was no-one to catch my hand when the last step was taken, promising me that everything would be okay, "I love you".

"Time to say goodbye..."

Never for me.

All those times I'd wasted on trying, all those times when I either found my supposed "soulmate" in a dark room with somebody else or on their way to that room. The same words always repeated inside my head: "I'm sorry. This is not about you, it's me. You're great and all but we are not meant to be, I'm sorry."

Somehow they all managed to say "it's not you" in their apologies, that only made me more sure that it was indeed me who had done something wrong. After the first two or three apologies I still belived them, I was so naive, after the fourth and sixth I was doubting them. It was not until it happned the seventh time that I finally gave up. It was me, I was not normal.

So I went and took a test, checking my mental and physical state, was I a retard, was there something very, very wrong with my brain? No answeres there, they where actually quite surprised to see me at the clinic, wondered what I was doing there. I didn't tell them of course.

So, the final option was to stay away from the other sex, completely. I didn't talk to anyone who wasn't my gender. Everybody thought I was even wierder I think, because soon there was rumors about me, I was apparently gay. That was worse than before, so I started to talk to the other sex again, quite a lot actually. Which to them meant that the rumor was confirmed, I was therefore gay.

I tried being with the same sex aswell, that didn't work out well at all. Trust me.

The final thing to do was pretty obvious. No one would miss me. No one would care. It was sad and yet, in a way, comforting. I was on my own and I was more than ready to take the next step into lifes adventure. Or if you wanted to quote from a old man I knew once "Death is just the next step in lifes adventure."(1)

I closed my eyes. My breath suddenly seemed to roar in my ears and I put my right foot a step ahead of me, into the air. My body fell forward and the wind slammed into my face as I fell down towards the water.

I was on my way.

Authors Note:

(1) I don't really know how Dumbledore said it in the english version, sorry for that and if it's wrong, please comment and I can correct it.

And please correct any grammar I've missed.

Don't forget to review,

And have a nice day.

Fiia


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